Review of Assassins

Rating: 1.5 Stars

In a phrase: What went wrong?
Quote: “Cuidado con las armas…”
Who will like it:
Zombie victims lacking brains
Who won’t like it:
People expecting a movie with a plot more interesting than The Italian Job

I take no joy in having to give this movie two thumbs way down. On paper, this looks like a winner of a blockbuster. Each of these actors have been great in some of my favorite movies: Sylvester Stalone (Rocky, Demolition Man), Antonio Banderas (Once Upon a Time in Mexico, Shrek 2), and Julianne Moore (Hannibal). When I saw the previews on TNT, I got excited (albeit was leery of the caliber of films that make it to late night TNT).
So what went wrong? Well, with a name like Assassins, I was certainly expecting a little more action. All of the action sequences were flat with the possible exception of the final confrontation, which went on for way too long.
The whole movie is spent going back to bigger and bigger chunks of the same flashback that we already know the punchline of, because Banderas magically divines it from a 30 second conversation with Stalone a mere 10 minutes into the movie.
There is not a single plot twist that isn’t clearly visible for miles/ The characters are largely uninteresting with the exception of Banderas’s psychotic hitman, that really saved this movie from getting only one star.
This one isn’t even worth watching on TNT.
Sylvester Stalone was nominated for a Razzie for worst actor in this film. This stung, coming after the previous year's nomination for Judge Dredd.